• Natasha.Soul

When She Can’t Sleep

Updated: Feb 22

4:30 am thoughts turn into being up for 12 hours by the time I get back home from work

I guess that’s not too bad, it could always be 48

But I’m not there yet so I won’t jinx it

Mind racing to the point of not sleeping

Can’t stay in bed

Get up to study for school

Thought about writing

And now I’m here

It’s been a while

I realize that I need to use my outlets as much as possible

I don’t have to reveal every detail

But keeping everything bottled in isn’t healthy either

I want to be at peace with myself sooner or later

Look in the mirror and not blame myself for anything and everything

Even things not concerning me

Even things that are inevitable

I wonder why I call my mom so much now

Even when I felt like I didn’t have anybody before I still stayed to myself

I guess my mind is subconsciously trying to make sure she’s ok since she’s the only parent I can check on

That’s no ones fault but mine

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What’s the reward in blaming everything on everybody else when you know there are things you have done wrong?

No accountability

No self evaluation

No responsibility

No growing up

I guess I wanted to grow up so bad that I just took responsibility for things that didn’t even have anything to do with me

It’s been like that for a while

Trying to be the only stable person in a house full of people that care, but they care about themselves more

Who cares about me?

I guess there’s no place for my well being

So why should I care?

I take problems that aren’t mine and try to solve them

That is not the way the world works Love

Self care is the best medicine

But how can you do that if you were never taught how?

How to truly take care of yourself, but how to always care about others?

And then truly only hear about this self care thing when you’re an adult?

I don’t know how this works, but I’m trying

Take one step forward push myself two steps back

Take three steps forward to make up for all of that and I feel like I’m still in the same spot

Because at the end of the day I still only took one step forward

And I don’t know where I’m going but I hope it’s somewhere nice

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