When She Can’t Sleep
Updated: Feb 22
4:30 am thoughts turn into being up for 12 hours by the time I get back home from work
I guess that’s not too bad, it could always be 48
But I’m not there yet so I won’t jinx it
Mind racing to the point of not sleeping
Can’t stay in bed
Get up to study for school
Thought about writing
And now I’m here
It’s been a while
I realize that I need to use my outlets as much as possible
I don’t have to reveal every detail
But keeping everything bottled in isn’t healthy either
I want to be at peace with myself sooner or later
Look in the mirror and not blame myself for anything and everything
Even things not concerning me
Even things that are inevitable
I wonder why I call my mom so much now
Even when I felt like I didn’t have anybody before I still stayed to myself
I guess my mind is subconsciously trying to make sure she’s ok since she’s the only parent I can check on
That’s no ones fault but mine
What’s the reward in blaming everything on everybody else when you know there are things you have done wrong?
No self evaluation
No growing up
I guess I wanted to grow up so bad that I just took responsibility for things that didn’t even have anything to do with me
It’s been like that for a while
Trying to be the only stable person in a house full of people that care, but they care about themselves more
Who cares about me?
I guess there’s no place for my well being
So why should I care?
I take problems that aren’t mine and try to solve them
That is not the way the world works Love
Self care is the best medicine
But how can you do that if you were never taught how?
How to truly take care of yourself, but how to always care about others?
And then truly only hear about this self care thing when you’re an adult?
I don’t know how this works, but I’m trying
Take one step forward push myself two steps back
Take three steps forward to make up for all of that and I feel like I’m still in the same spot
Because at the end of the day I still only took one step forward
And I don’t know where I’m going but I hope it’s somewhere nice